is becoming increasingly split. Having just come up for air after barely making it through my son's 5th birthday, midterms, Halloween, picking classes for next quarter, researching MFA programs, keeping deadlines straight, and the always-there reality of a mortgage payment that's twice as much as the people renting the same model house down the street. I don't even know who I am. Or which one of me I am right now.
As a student, I feel the exhilaration and stress of my senior year. I am excited to be finished, but all of a sudden "finished" doesn't really mean the same thing. Can a piece of paper and a silly ceremony where everyone wears frumpy mumu's and square hats really mean that I am done? changed? employable? If I can barely keep up on college assignments, how can I expect to be able to work full time? or go to Graduate School? Where can I even go to Graduate School when I am anchored here with my family? What am I even going to do with the kids next quarter when I will have to be at school Monday through Thursday, with child care coverage only on Tuesdays and Thursdays until 5 pm and classes that go until 6 and 7 pm??? and I have ZERO flexibility on the classes that I need to graduate, if I want to in fact graduate some day!
As a mom, I have this crazy biological urge that compels me to take care of my kids, and not just by providing their basic needs like feeding them and wiping their butts. I enjoy doing stupid arts and crafts projects, which are basically any combination of glue, construction paper, and stickers; dressing up my daughter as a princess and watching Disney movies that I am not too proud to admit I really enjoy; going to Disneyland, the park, the Zoo, Grandma's. And yet here I am this very moment yelling at my son to just be quiet for 5 minutes, just stop asking me questions for 5 minutes, just let me write for 5 minutes, I swear I could save the world if I just had 5 minutes of peace and quiet! Could everybody just leave me alone???
Then I feel bad. Bad mom for ignoring her kids. Bad student for ignoring her studies in order to pay attention to her kids.
Suddenly it feels as if my two lives are diverging, and I have to lasso them in and remind them that we need to work together.
Is what I'm trying to do even possible?
No comments:
Post a Comment